Feedback for JunWoo

http://20117leejunwoo.blogspot.kr/

Grade
According to the rubric above, what grade would you give this essay? Why?
Three points. It follows the classical argument.

How does this essay need to improve to get a better grade?
It doesn't intrigue the reader. Make it more fun! But that's just my opinion.

Thesis
What is the thesis?
 I think that Nurture plays more important role in shaping human behavior and characteristic.

Is the thesis clear and debatable?
Yes, yes.

If you (The reviewer) wrote this essay, how would you have written the thesis?
Nurture plays a more important role in shaping human behavior and characteristics.

Any other thoughts?
This will be fun because we learned about it during class. I think that it's going to go deeper than that so i'm excited to learn more. (not being sarcastic)

Classical Argument
Can you easily identify the 5 parts of the classical argument? If no, what parts are missing?
Because there's so many examples, I can't tell which is the narration and which is the confirmation.

Does the introduction catch your attention? Does it comfortably lead to the thesis? 
Sort of. But it's based on facts that everyone already knows. It connects well to the thesis, though. 

Does the narration give all the necessary background information to understand the topic?
Yes, but there should be more information on the 'nature' theory.

Does the confirmation adequately support the thesis?
I think that the  Albert Bandura paragraph is really unnecessarily long and detailed. Also it's super focused on examples, not reasons. 

Does the refutation and concession address a realistic counterpoint? Does it adequately dispute the counterpoint, or respond in a reasonable manner?
It is realistic, but I don't understand the first sentence which made the whole paragraph a little confusing. I can't catch what side you're on. 

Does the conclusion summarize the article and address the larger significance of the thesis? 
No it's just repeating the confirmation, which I said, was focused on examples.

What suggestions do you have for improving the classical argument structure?
The narration is nonexistent or inadequate. Develop it - Tell us about those who agree with you and disagree with you. What are the stakes? If robots rival human brain power, so what? If they don't, so what? Why should we care?

Persuasion
When you started reading the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis? 
I agreed with the thesis.

When you finished the essay, did you agree or disagree with the thesis?
I still agree with the thesis.

If your mind changed, why? What parts of the essay were persuasive?
I did not change my mind. 

How could the author enhance the persuasive parts of their essay?
I think you could change the wording a bit so that it seems clear that you think nature<nurture.
Also I think you need more reasons and less examples! Like, I can't feel how you're explaining why nurture influences people more than nature.


Research
Is the author using research effectively? 
Yes

Is the research from appropriate sources?
Yes, although it seems that most of them are from the same place.

Are the sources obvious?
They are very obvious. But I think it would be better if you had written the bibliography at the end together only, not 중간중간 of essay. It gets in the way of reading your essay.

Are the pieces of evidence relevant to the thesis or essay?
Yes they are related but you should explain how they are more.

Are there any parts of the essay that need evidence to support the claims?
Not really. You cited your sources very well.